06/16/2025
June is the Month that has the most weddings, and since Ann and I just celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary, I thought this would be a good time to talk about marriage and what is takes to stay married till death do us part. Today we will address some of the common questions newlyweds or struggling couples ask… What is the secret to a successful marriage? Will our marriage last? Will the world drive us apart? How should we approach conflicts between us as husband and wife? What happens when the world collapses on us and crushes the love from our relationship?
So, let’s begin. Ann and I have been married for 49 years and although I am not a trained counselor, I think that qualifies me to comment. In our years of marriage, we have faced many challenges. I have been asked on a number of occasions what the secret of staying together is... but in reality, there is no 'secret', just covenant, forgiveness, constant attention, determination, and grace. But there is one aspect that might be hidden from most people; there must always be a peacemaker, and there must also be a forgiver.
“"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”
Matthew 5:9 ESV
And,
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:32 ESV
Everyone wants to be the one who is right, and the one who wins out in an argument, but in truth, satisfying that desire has little to do with the success of a marriage or in making it a good one. Anyone who has been in a doctor's waiting room and read a magazine self-help article on marriage has heard a couple of things... don't let the sun go down on an argument and always give more than you receive. This sounds simple enough, but the devil is in the details, and each marital situation has lots of details!
Here are some real facts about marriage... every couple is going to fight, each person will have their feelings hurt at some point, one or perhaps both will feel betrayed at least once (I'm not speaking simply about sexual infidelity), each will feel that they are carrying the load in the relationship, both will probably feel ignored or taken for granted, and the list goes on and on. You are probably thinking to yourself "Then how in the world can a marriage ever survive?" I can give you the pat answer by saying something cutesy like "Love conquers all." And that is inevitably true, but the real answer is one you won't see in a movie or read in a self-help book...
Marriage survives first and foremost because two people can't imagine the thought of breaking covenant, and to make that happen one of them must always assume the role of peacemaker in every argument, and both must learn to become forgivers. Marriage isn't the nirvana that you see in a hallmark movie... it isn't about living happily ever after (although you might), it is about surviving life and all it can throw at you... together as one... it is tough business and requires putting your own interests aside for the good of the union. Have you ever said or thought... "well if my spouse did something like that our marriage would be over!"? Well, learning to love someone again when they have become unlovable to you is at the heart of forgiveness. It is giving your body and yourself fully to someone that you really aren't liking much right now. It is toughing out the hard feelings and driving past them. It is finding the good in a bad situation and reviving the root of the love you once felt but now believe to be lost.
A couple of years ago Ann and I were celebrating our anniversary at dinner one night and as the waitress took our order we both selected very similar meals. I told our server that as you live with one another you begin to think alike and come closer together, then I took my two hands and placed them together with intertwined fingers. I didn't think about it at the time, but I should have placed them beneath my chin in a praying posture and said: "and a lot of this too!" Entering into the “covenant” of marriage isn't worth the signature on the marriage license if you don't believe that you are making this covenant before and with God. On that joyous day when you say "I do!" there is typically little thought given to how rough the next few years will be. But you will come to find that there will be plenty of times when prayer will be required to keep you together as all of society and your own human natures try to pull you apart.
We are all familiar with the scripture in Ephesians 5 about husbands loving wives as Jesus loves the church, and wives submitting to husbands, but it also speaks to the mystery of marriage and how a man and woman become one flesh. Listen again…
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:31-33 ESV
One flesh... is it such a mystery? Isn't it exactly what Jesus says about us, Himself, and the Father?
“In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you.”
John 14:20 ESV
In marriage, we are the image of this divine relationship. In marriage it becomes man, woman, and God... joined together in covenant. So there really is no secret to keeping a marriage together. The blueprint is laid out for us in the Word of God, and through all the trials and tribulations of life we are meant to lean on the third member of our union... God. He is the cement that binds us together as one in marriage.
As for not letting the sun set on an argument, and giving more than we receive? Well, I believe we find that in scripture as well.
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
Ephesians 4:26-27 ESV
And also in this verse:
“In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.' "”
Acts 20:35 ESV
Now that you know the “secret” of how to make a lasting marriage and realize that it is not really a mystery nor a smooth and easy road to travel, it is a journey through life that requires much. So, before you enter into your marriage I tell you to do this… pray, pray before you become one flesh, pray in everything that follows, pray, pray, and pray. Then in all things learn how to forgive, have grace, and hold tight to the covenant you have not only made before God, but with Him.
Prayer:
Father, I thank you for giving us the covenant of marriage and your entering into this covenant with us. I thank you for hearing our words of forgiveness and making them come true in our hearts. I thank you for the peacemaker when a marriage is filled with turmoil. I thank you too for the strength to seek out lost love and reestablish it in those places where it has been torn asunder. Thank you, Father, for making us to be one flesh and for all the fruit it bears; sons and daughters alike. Holy Father, your wisdom in joining man and woman as one might appear to be mysterious to us, but in all its hidden pleasures, and obvious challenges, it allows us to imitate you and your abiding love for us... even when we feel that we don’t deserve your love and forgiveness. In times such as this, when we feel unworthy, you give us grace, and we pray now that we can show this same grace to one another… husbands and wives. We praise you Father for the dust of the earth, the rib of Adam, our Savior, your Spirit, and in all these blessings we praise you for taking us into your hand and making us to be one with you in your wisdom, mercy, and yes… grace. Most Holy Father, give us love in abundance, overflowing, true, and strong enough to hold firm against all odds, but most of all, Father, give us your eternal presence, your wisdom, your Word, and your Holy Spirit to guide us lovingly through life together… one in our flesh, and one in Spirit with you. Help us Abba as we believe, lean on you, forgive, and are forgiven. Then, make our paths straight as we pray unceasingly for one another and our being one in marriage. May all those so joined in this covenant or standing knocking at its door say… Amen! Amen! Amen!
“teaching them to observe all that I [Jesus]have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
Matthew 28:20 ESV
“fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10 ESV
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.”
Psalm 23:4 ESV
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV
Rich Forbes