June is the Month that most weddings occur, and since Ann and I just celebrated our anniversary I thought this would be a good time to talk about what is required to stay married. Will a marriage last, or is there a black cloud hanging over it? How do we approach conflicts between husband and wife? What happens when the world collapses on us?
Ann and I have been married for 41 years and although I am not a counselor, I think that qualifies me to comment. In our years of marriage we have faced many challenges. I have been asked on a number of occasions what the secret of staying together is... but in reality there is no 'secret', just covenant, constant attention, and determination. But there is one aspect that might be hidden from most; there has to be a peacemaker, and there must be a forgiver.
“"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”
Matthew 5:9 ESV
And,
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:32 ESV
Everyone wants to be the one who is right, or who wins out in an argument, but in truth, satisfying that desire has little to do with the success of a marriage or in making it a good one. Anyone who has been in a doctor's waiting room and read a self-help article on marriage has heard a couple of things... don't let the sun go down on an argument, and always give more than you receive. This sounds profound, but the devil is in the details, and each situation has lots of details!
Here are some real facts about marriage... every couple is going to fight, each person will have their feelings hurt at some point, one or perhaps both will feel betrayed at least once (I'm not speaking about sexual infidelity), each will feel that they are carrying the load, both will probably feel ignored or taken for granted, and the list goes on and on. You are probably thinking to yourself "Then how in the world can a marriage ever survive?" I can give you the pat answer by saying something cutesy like "Love conquers all." And that is inevitably true, but the true answer is one you won't see in a movie or read in a book.
Marriage survives first and foremost because two people can't imagine the thought of breaking covenant, and to make that happen one of them must always assume the role of peacemaker in every argument, and both must learn to become forgivers. Marriage isn't the nirvana that you see in a hallmark movie... it isn't about living happily ever after (although you might), it is about surviving life and all it can throw at you... together... it is tough business and requires putting your own interests aside for the good of the union. Have you ever said or thought... "well if my spouse did something like that it would be over!"? Learning to love someone again when they have become unlovable to you is at the heart of forgiveness. It is giving your body and yourself fully to a person you really aren't liking much right now. It is toughing out the hard feelings and driving past them. It is finding the good in a bad situation, or reviving the root of that love you have lost.
Ann and I were at dinner last Monday night and as the waitress took our order we both selected very similar meals. I told our server that as you live with one another you begin to think alike and come together, then I took my two hands and placed them together. I didn't think about it at the time, but I should have placed them beneath my chin in a praying posture and said "and a lot of this too!" Making covenant regarding marriage isn't worth the signature on the marriage license if you don't believe that you are making this covenant before God. On that joyous day when you say "I Do!" There is little thought about how rough the first years will be. There will be plenty of times that prayer is required to keep you together when all of society and human nature are trying to pull you apart.
We all know the scripture in Ephesians 5 about husbands loving wives as Jesus loves the church, and wives submitting to husbands, but it also speaks to the mystery of marriage and a man and woman becoming one flesh.
“This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Ephesians 5:32-33 ESV
One flesh... is it such a mystery? Isn't it exactly what Jesus says about us, Himself, and the Father?
“In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you.”
John 14:20 ESV
In marriage, we are the image of this divine relationship. In marriage it becomes man, woman, and God... joined together. So there really is no secret to keeping a marriage together. The blueprint is laid out for us in the Word of God, and through all the trials and tribulations of life, we are meant to lean on the third member of our union... God.
As for not letting the sun set on an argument, and giving more than we receive? Well, I believe we find that in scripture as well.
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
Ephesians 4:26-27 ESV
And,
“In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.' "”
Acts 20:35 ESV
Prayer:
Father, I thank you for marriage and your entering into this covenant with us. I thank you for hearing our words of forgiveness and making them true in our hearts. I thank you for the peacemaker when a marriage is filled with turmoil. I thank you for the strength to seek out love and reestablish it in those places where it has been torn asunder. I thank you for one flesh and the fruit it bears; sons and daughters alike. Holy Father, your wisdom in joining man and woman as one might appear to be mysterious to us, but in all its hidden pleasures, and obvious challenges, it allows us to imitate you and your abiding love for us... even when we can't possibly deserve your love and forgiveness. We praise you Father for the rib of Adam, and the dust of the earth; we praise you for taking us into your hand and making us one flesh in your wisdom and mercy. Most Holy Father, Give us love to overflowing, and strength to hold that love against all odds, but most of all, Father, give us your presence and wise Word to guide us through a life together.
Rich Forbes